My one little word this year is SPACE, and it has been taking a bit of a back seat to life this year. As each prompt from Ali and the team (www.aliedwards.com) arrives at the beginning of the month, I always seem to find an excuse for not getting around to it. September’s prompt of PRACTICE, is usually one of my favourites, as it is about recording a practice related to your word that you undertake for the month.
Usually I focus on something with regards to my health, weight, exercise or a ‘doing activity’. This is my natural instinct to practice something in order to try and improve myself. I have a constant yearning to be better, to be fitter, to learn more, to just be anything I’m not sometimes. At the beginning of September I just couldn’t get my head space into forming a practice that I wanted to do. Previous years, I have tried to do daily walks, daily yoga, daily gratitude, you name it, but usually I stop the ‘practice’ about day 4 or 5 and then maybe throw a sprinkle of these activities in later in the month. So, this year, I didn’t even start. This doesn’t mean that all of sudden I thought I was good enough that I no longer needed to put in the work – I just couldn’t get motivated. Too tired. Demotivated. Flat. Angry at the world. Angry at my life. Run Down. Burnt out. Take your pick – none of them are positive and inspiring. So, I never even got started.
But earlier this week, I had an idea. I was vegging on the couch watching instagram – because this is what you do when you are demotivated, bored, out of sorts – I opened an instagram reel from a guy by the name of Nick Pollard and there went 20 minutes. He started off by saying ‘I’m a former people pleaser and a recovered alcoholic and I help people overcome both’. After listening to quite a few of his reels, I was encouraged by what he had to say about taking small steps, setting step by step goals, working on boundaries in a different way and talking about his journey to becoming a sober person with an authentic life. Just in case you want to check Nick out https://www.instagram.com/thepeopledispleaser/
It’s tough, 5 1/2 years on from getting sober I still reminisce about being able to ‘numb’ my emotions with wine. Life is challenging and at times I resent not being able to blank out the monotony of day to day cleaning up and chores, the relentless caring responsibilities, the hypervigilance required, the effects of isolation, sleep deprivation and burnout that comes with my role as a mother and caregiver. Sometimes, I would just love to return to sitting down on the couch at night and try to become oblivious to what needs to be done. But, I know this is not a solution – it will only make things worse, make my mood lower and affect my physical health. I don’t miss hangovers and I don’t miss not being able to remember what happened the night before.
The solution to my mood, is not to return to alcohol and numbing my emotions. I know this much. But, just because I no longer drink alcohol, my life didn’t miraculously improve. I am still carrying the same problems and resentments around about being a caregiver, instead of a mother. In the 5 years, since I put down the bottle, our problems with finding support workers have got worse, not better. Our financial situation has been impacted through Phil finishing work because I needed him to takeover the full time caring role. The behaviours, aggression and insomnia we deal with have escalated. We haven’t found a safe and viable solution for independent living outside our home for Mitchell. I have worked harder on advocating for change with government through groups I have joined, but change is so slow and the policy makers don’t seem to read the research, or listen to voices of family alongside disabled people. It’s very easy to feel despondent that nothing will change.
However, Nick reminded me that we can get lost in trying to achieve the big goals, and that by taking small steps, creating habits and congratulating ourselves on each small step, can help to work towards our big goal and increase our satisfaction. Not exactly his words, but you get the general idea. It did make me realise, that I am probably feeling despondent because finding an independent living situation feels so hard. The big goal of Mitchell living independently, happily, and safely is difficult to achieve. Not achieving the big goal for him, affects my big goals and dreams, of wanting to be healthy, to live near the ocean and being able to travel. My head is so full of ‘how are we going to do this’, that I just don’t get stuff done.
Therefore, with that piece of advice on board, I decided that for my One little word practice, I should simply work on ‘making space for myself’. My goal should be about me, and not dependent on my goal for Mitchell. If I make space for myself, I will be better able to help Mitchell.
Therefore, my month of practice begins now, it is late October, but it doesn’t really matter. My practice will be to ‘make space for myself’. Making space doesn’t have to mean doing the same thing every day. But I can practice giving myself space, so that I don’t burn out. Making space means, any of the following for the next 30 days:
- playing golf
- Walking or jogging
- Reading a book
- Creating in my art journal or scrapbooking
- preparing meal plans
- writing in my journal or on my blog
- going to yoga or doing yoga at home
- Resting without interruption
- Choosing the music I want to listen to
- talking to or catching up with a friend
- going to doctors/dentist/healthcare appointments
- making healthy meals
- watching my favourite K-drama or movie
- finding support workers so that we have more help/time
There you go, list made, let’s see if I can get past the first few days with all of this variety!
Have a lovely day, and make sure you make space for yourself too.
Cherie x
Yellow Azalea 